Saturday, December 19, 2009

Life's Bullshit...and then some

So, can things get any more fucked up? I swear, the harder I try to make things work, it seems the more things slip away from me. I get damned tired of killing myself for some elusive thing....a feeling, an emotion, an education...the list goes on. Whatever it takes to get through this life, I'll suck it up and do it. The sacrifices have been hard and plentiful. Maybe in some grander scheme of things, I'm actually doing well, but right now I just can't see it. I have friends who are more like sycophants that drain me of affection, money, emotion, time, effort, and energy. I get damned tired of it. I'm tired of being lonely, being worked to death, and taken advantage of. Things seem to be on a slippery slope downward, and I don't know if I have the constitution, will, or mental fortitude to stop it. I trudge on and on, down this lonely, weary path and lie to myself that I will be somebody someday,that I can provide for my family, and find some semblance of happiness. I call utter bullshit. This thing we call life ain't a party, not a ball, just a huge series of random pain, heartache, disappointments, lies, deceit, trials, and difficulties. That's how I see it. Looking back, there have been few times I can say I was truly happy. I adore my children, but some of the crap they have had to endure makes my heart heavy. Illnesses, surgeries, life threatening crap that could have taken them away from me. Physical and mental problems, having no sense of family, an absentee father who cares little to nothing about them, and I am left to explain as best I can. SO I go on, against what seems insurmountable odds sometimes, and hope that someone somewhere is watching and trying hard not to laugh too hard at my shortcomings.

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