Questions of Time

Forsake the errant thought that kept me going
all these years of turbulent trials
failures, some....successes, a few.
Depth of life, including pain, heartache, betrayal, and fear
all bundled in a one page letter that is the death knell of my education.
This time I HAD to cry. I had to break down and sob incessantly for all the years of beating my head against the brick wall of academia.
My future is more than unclear now.
All I can do is rely on what I know.
There is no God.
God would have seen me through this. Disillusioned and dispassionate with all, I step out into a new world...a new road...and where it leads is anyone's guess.

Wishes

She lay in his arms, for the first time ever, and wondered how she looked through his eyes.
He held her in his arms and thought ,"How could a fool be so lucky?"
As they stared into the others eyes, their breath mingling softly, the Gods on high looked down and smiled.
It was a good match, years in the making. Both of them had to suffer the trials and tribulations Fate had set upon them. Both had conquered fears, hardships, lies, betrayal, and heartache. But this had strengthened their resolves, tempered their passions, and taught them what life was all about.
She sought his eyes with hers and said not a word.
He gazed upon her, flaws and all, and sighed.
And within that first kiss...
they fell.
Within that first kiss was surrender.

Life's Bullshit...and then some

So, can things get any more fucked up? I swear, the harder I try to make things work, it seems the more things slip away from me. I get damned tired of killing myself for some elusive thing....a feeling, an emotion, an education...the list goes on. Whatever it takes to get through this life, I'll suck it up and do it. The sacrifices have been hard and plentiful. Maybe in some grander scheme of things, I'm actually doing well, but right now I just can't see it. I have friends who are more like sycophants that drain me of affection, money, emotion, time, effort, and energy. I get damned tired of it. I'm tired of being lonely, being worked to death, and taken advantage of. Things seem to be on a slippery slope downward, and I don't know if I have the constitution, will, or mental fortitude to stop it. I trudge on and on, down this lonely, weary path and lie to myself that I will be somebody someday,that I can provide for my family, and find some semblance of happiness. I call utter bullshit. This thing we call life ain't a party, not a ball, just a huge series of random pain, heartache, disappointments, lies, deceit, trials, and difficulties. That's how I see it. Looking back, there have been few times I can say I was truly happy. I adore my children, but some of the crap they have had to endure makes my heart heavy. Illnesses, surgeries, life threatening crap that could have taken them away from me. Physical and mental problems, having no sense of family, an absentee father who cares little to nothing about them, and I am left to explain as best I can. SO I go on, against what seems insurmountable odds sometimes, and hope that someone somewhere is watching and trying hard not to laugh too hard at my shortcomings.

Frustration

I've often wondered about the paths some of my professors took to get to where they are today. It seems that they have conveniently forgotten what it was like to be a student, and focused on getting the numbers out in full force. What I cannot understand is WHY. The upper echelon of academia seems to give a shit less about students and what they must deal with. Most students, admittedly, are young and have college paid for by their parents. Most do not have to work, and even fewer have children. But what about those of us who do? We have children, some are single parents even, which make sit more difficult and challenging in itself. Some of us work, and are in addition putting ourselves in a lifetime of debt to obtain this education society says we must have now. I have been accused of not trying in one class. NOT TRYING! This term I had 4 incomplete classes to make up before the end of term so I could receive my financial aid next term. On top of 3 grad classes. Needless to say, I have been a busy gal. I have been used by department heads and others, claiming it was all for class credit, but was never taken into account all the work done outside of class. And for someone to sit up on their throne and look down at me and say I was not trying, or even attempting?! Define irony. I attend what was once lauded as a Teacher's College. Now, as a grad student, I cannot even get any experience as a student teacher or TA. This smacks of ironic bullshit in its most prevalent form. There are people teaching classes who have no business teaching. But thanks largely in part the extreme nepotism in said department, nobody else will ever be given a chance. Hypocrisy and facades run rampant, and it never is clear what someone's agenda is until the last moment, where they get the accolades and praise, and you get dumped on and used up. My time here is almost at an end. Whereas I once lauded this school for its wonderful programs and people willing to assist in any way possible, now I loathe the very thought of how this place is run. I have seen the quality of student go down the toilet, I have been on the receiving end of the nepotism, I have been used up and hung out to dry. I am tired now. Tired of school, tired of the two faced political bullshit I must endure,k tired of being suckered into things I shouldn't. That being said, I cannot wait fir August to arrive. Once I walk across that stage and get my Masters, I will walk away from here and never come back.

Thoughts in the dark of Winter

Would you dance naked in the rain with me if I asked?
Would you hold me at night and protect me from myself?
Would you let me scream my rage at the world and then calm me in the dark?
Would you leave me to my fate and let me suffer in silence?

I dare not ask for what I want.
Life is too fragile a thing to take lightly.
I'll hold you at night, take you into my body and soul, and leave with the morning light.

I will not be your downfall.
I will not ask for what you cannot give.
I will not ask you to change to suit my needs.

Nor will I be your dirty little secret.

Alright, I happened to read somewhere that men prefer 'real' women. As in all natural, no plastic surgery or enhancements to their bodies. That being said, it is quite obvious not all of us can look, or care to look like Jenna Jameson. That is what porn is for. I can honestly say, without ANY inhibitions that I am a REAL woman. Ok, I'm 40, but I still look pretty damned respectable, if judging from what some of my friends and former classmates look like at the same age. Let's breakit down from the top....

Hair- ok, a little gray is showing, but a few highlights took care of that in short time.
Face- I'm pretty proud of every laugh line and wrinkle on my face. It shows the kind of life I've lived and what kind of person I am.Getting a little jowly around the chin, but age is merciless...
Teeth- not great, I needed braces when I was younger, but the thought of having 8 teeth forcibly yanked from my mouth scared the living shit out of me.Also, an accident left my two front teeth (which are false) discolored....so my smile is not as radiant or brilliantly white as the gendarmes of society deem it should be...but at least my smile is real and heartfelt.
Boobs- I can be damned proud of my all natural 40 D cups. Who needs enhancement with dimensions such as mine? After three kids, yeah, they sag a little, but a good push up bra works magic.Still sensitive and responsive as ever.
Tummy- 3 kids does a number on any woman, and mine range in age from 17 to 4. I've never been one to harp on excercise and try to regain the waifishness of my youth.I can wear any size jeans from an 11 to a 16...so what? I'm pretty comfortable with my body at this stage in my life.
Ass- I have a ghetto booty...never denied that. I kinda like shakin my rumpmaker when I dance. A little toning and it would be phenomenal.
Legs- I used to be a dancer and gymnast. I still have great muscle tone in my legs. I can still do the splits and cartwheels and backbends...not bad for 40.

All said and done, I suppose my purpose in this rant is that superficiality is based mor eon general public opinion and society standards than what people are truly happy with. Am I perfect? Far from it. I'd like to drop some weight and tone up a bit, but I'll do it because I want to feel better about myself, not because of what is deemed necessary in order to be happy. I know I can still please a man, and gain pleasure in return. So does that make me happy? You betcha....

Here we go again....

I swear I will do better at this blog than I have others in the past. If not for anyone's benefit, solely mine. So here's to it one more time!!!!